2nd severe snow storm of the year - at least 15" of new snow has fallen and most of it appears to be stacked up against my front door and on the pathway .... I pay $100 a month for things like snow removal and it is now 12:30pm and no one has yet appeared with a snow blower. I don't know if the parking area and the areas around the garage have been plowed. Right now it doesn't matter because I'm not going anywhere.
If I were "normal" sized, I'm sure I would have appropriate boots and other clothing that would allow me to start digging myself out ... but I have nothing of that nature. So here I sit - captive. It really sucks. Usually I don't pay much attention to my size - it always demands acknowledgement in one way or another on a regular basis, but I can either ignore, pretend or simply deny ... but knowing that I cannot take care of myself in a snowstorm because the appropriate clothing and other gear are not available in my size bring it home in a way that can't be ignored or glossed over. I don't know what kind of a reaction I have because I am so not in touch with any emotions .. but I think it breaks my heart. It should make me angry - angry at myself, but I don't think it does. I think sadness is the only emotion that I can discern. I'm sure there are others, but I have done such a good job at burying them there's no way I can identify them.
"And if you were a color I think you'd be a fugitive one because you hide, dissappearing without much warning" is something Tilly (God child #3) said in a recent comment. I don't think I "disappear without much warning," I think I disappeared decades ago. First I disappeared by hiding myself behind a lot of what can only be called "bulk." Then I disappeared by not allowing myself to have real feelings and dealing with them or requiring them to be acknowledged.
I don't think I realized it until this very minute but what are we if not our feelings? If happiness, sadness, anger, jealousy, fear, insecurity, pain, indecision, confusion, shame, pride and a myriad of other legitimate emotions are not acknowledged when felt, how can you even be deemed to be alive?
Scared? Don't let anyone know because it will make you look weak in their eyes.
Happy? Don't give in to it because it will not last.
Angry? Don't let the anger out because you will alienate the person to whome the anger should be directed.
Jealous? How dare you be jealous of anyone when the reason you envy them is simply because you are too much of a disaster to either have what they ahve or be what they are.
Sad? In pain? Tough it out, work through it. Letting anyone know you are aching inside just makes you too needy.
As I sit here looking out my picture window at a pristine, white fluffy world - the trees decorated with white and ice more beautifully than any Christmas tree - I'm beginning to realize the enormous disservice I've done myself. If I ever had the guts to feel true hatred, I'm scared that the only one I could direct it to would be me.